I’ll See to the Rest
A guard will signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.
“Come on, miss!” he shouted. “Shut the door, pls!”
“Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye,” she called back.
“Just shut that door, please,” called the guard, “and I’ll see to the rest.”
Fat Man and Thin Man
A very thin man met a very fat man in the hotel lobby.
” From your looks,” said the fat man, ” there might have been a famine (饑荒).”
” Yes,” was the reply,” and from your looks, you might have caused it.”
Funny Stuff & Such
HELLO OPERATOR – Actual call center conversations!
Customer: ‘I’ve been calling 700-1 2 00 for two days and can’t get through,
can you help?’
Operator: ‘Where did you get that number, sir?’
Customer: ‘It’s on the door of your business.’
Operator: ‘Sir, those are the hours that we are open.’
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Samsung Electronics
Caller: ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?’
Operator: ‘I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.’
Caller: ‘On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?’
Operator: ‘I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.’
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: ‘Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
traveling in Australia ?’
Operator: ‘Does the product name give you a clue?’
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)
‘If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to
change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?’
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: ‘I’d like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please’
Operator: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?’
Caller: ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off.’
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: ‘Woven? Are you sure?’
Caller: ‘Yes. That’s what it says on the label — Woven in Scotland .’
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from
a phone box told a worried operator:
‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on.’
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Tech Support: ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.’
Customer: ‘OK.’
Tech Support: ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’
Customer: ‘No.’
Tech Support: ‘OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’
Customer: ‘No.’
Tech Support: ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?’
Customer: ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.’
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Tech Support: ‘OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?’
Customer: ‘Wow! How can you see my screen from there?’
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Caller: ‘I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.
So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?’
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This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time.
I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed
from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say
the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
suing the WordPerfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause.’
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’
Caller: ‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.’
Operator: ‘What sort of trouble??’
Caller: ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away.’
Operator: ‘Went away?’
Caller: ‘They disappeared’
Operator: ‘Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?’
Caller: ‘Nothing.’
Operator: ‘Nothing??’
Caller: ‘It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’
Operator: ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?’
Caller: ‘How do I tell?’
Operator: ‘Can you see the ‘C: prompt’ on the screen?’
Caller: ‘What’s a sea-prompt?’
Operator: ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’
Caller: ‘There isn’t any cursor; I told you, it won’t accept anything I
type.’
Operator: ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator??’
Caller: ‘What’s a monitor?’
Operator: ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?’
Caller: ‘I don’t know.’
Operator: ‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??’
Caller: ‘Yes, I think so.’
Operator: ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s
plugged into the wall.
Caller: ‘Yes, it is.’
Operator: ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one? ‘
Caller: ‘No.’
Operator: ‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.’
Caller: ‘Okay, here it is.’
Operator: ‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into
the back of your computer.’
Caller: ‘I can’t reach.’
Operator: ‘OK. Well, can you see if it is?’
Caller: ‘No.’
Operator: ‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over?’
Caller: ‘Well, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle — it’s
because it’s dark.’
Operator: ‘Dark?
Caller: ‘Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.’
Operator: ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’
Caller: ‘I can’t.’
Operator: ‘No? Why not?’
Caller: ‘Because there’s a power failure.’
Operator: ‘A power …. A power failure? Aha. Okay, we’ve got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?’
Caller: ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.’
Operator: ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.’
Caller: ‘Really? Is it that bad?’
Operator: ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’
Caller: ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?’
Operator: ‘Tell them you’re too damned stupid to own a computer!’
American Soldier
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R
Guessing a riddle
Teacher: Boys, I have a riddle to ask you. There’s something wearing beautiful feather, and it can wake you up every morning. What is it, Tom?
Tom: A feather duster, with which father wakes me up every morning.
The bear and the rabbit 熊和兔子
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie（神） in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes. The bear went first and he said,” I wish to be the only male bear in this forest.” And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, “I want a motorcycle helmet.（摩托車安全帽）” And he got his wish.
The bear went up and said, “I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female.” And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, “I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet（頭盔;鋼盔;帽盔;安全帽）.” And he got his wish.
The bear said, “I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females.” And he got his wish.
It was the rabbit’s turn, and he said, “I wish that bear was gay（男同性戀）.”
MOSES
A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice “JESUS is watching you”. He looks around with his flashlight wandering “What The HELL Was That?”. He spots some $ on a table and takes it……Once again he hears a voice ” JESUS is watching you”. He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks ” Was that your voice?”. It said “YES”. He then says “What’s your name?”. It says “MOSES”. The burglar says ” What kind of person names his bird moses??” The parrot replys “THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS Rottweiler “JESUS”.
一個竊賊潛入一戶人家。他看到一個喜歡的CD機，他趕緊拿了。就在這個時候他聽到有人說：“耶穌正在看著你。”他照著手電看來看去，嘀咕著：“到底是什么人在說話？”這時，他看到桌子上有些錢，他又拿了。。。那聲音又來了：“耶穌正在看著你。”他躲到一個角落，想找出是誰在說話。結果看到一只鸚鵡，于是他問鸚鵡：“是你在說話嗎？”鸚鵡承認了。 小賊說：“你叫什么名字？”“摩西”。小賊說：“什么人給鳥取這種名字？”鸚鵡回答：“就是那個給他的羅威那犬取名為‘耶穌’的那個人啊。”
A Ticket to Miami
A blonde buys a plane ticket to Miami. (It’s a coach Ticket). When she gets on the plane she sits in first class.
The steward who checks tickets says, “I’m so sorry, this is a coach ticket and your sitting in 1st class.”
“I can do What-eva I want, I’m a blonde.” Well I’ll get the pilot.
The pilot comes and whispers in the blondes ear and she leaves. The steward looks amazed and says,” What did you say?”
The pilot simply says,” I told her 1st class wasn’t going to Miami, just coach was!!!”
What Is Sex?
A little boy returning home from his first day at school asked his mother, “Mom, can you tell me, what is sex?”
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, the little guy produced an enrollment form, which he had brought home from school and said, “Yes, mom, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?”
An Episode in the Train