Did You Say Treatment, or Cure?
Two farmers met with each other, and the first one said, “Didn’t your horse have that disease that was going around?” The friend replied, “Yes, he did! He had it bad.” “So, what did you do for him?” asked the first farmer. “Well, I dosed him good with a half pint of linseed oil, a tablespoon of turpentine, and three tablespoons of castor oil.”
A few days later, the two farmers met again. The first farmer asked his friend, “Didn’t you tell me you gave your horse a half pint of linseed oil, a tablespoon of turpentine, and three tablespoons of castor oil?” The second said, “Yes, I sure did!” The first farmer exclaimed, “I thought that’s what you said, but when I gave it to my horse, he died!” And the friend said, “Of course! Mine did, too!”
只問方法，不問結果
兩個農夫相遇，第一個農夫說：「你的馬不是感染了正在 流行的疾病嗎？」他的朋友回答：「是啊，它被傳染了！
病得很重呢！」第一個農夫又問：「那你怎么照顧它？」「我喂它喝足了半品脫的亞麻仁油、一大匙松節油和三大
匙蓖麻油。」 過幾天后這兩個農夫又碰面了，第一個農夫問他的朋友：「你不是跟我說，你喂你的馬喝了半品脫亞
麻仁油、一大匙松節油和三大匙蓖麻油嗎？」第二個農夫說：「是啊，沒錯！」第一個農夫大聲叫道：「我記得你
是這么說的，但是我喂我的馬喝下那些東西后，它卻死了！」第二個農夫說：「這是當然的啦！我的馬也死了啊！」
一则英语笑话测试你的英语水平
I have heard one sad story of a hitchhiker who went into a shop and saw the sign “Lift” but found it too heavy, then saw the sign “Pet Supplies” so he did, this wasn’t too bad but then he went outside and saw the sign “Compact Cars” and went to prison for ten years.
A：一個搭車者，走進一家商店，看見Lift(千斤頂)的標簽，看見Pet Supplies(寵物用品)的標簽，看見Compact Cars(小轎車)的標簽，最后卻被關進監獄，判刑十年。
B：我曾聽說過一個倒霉的故事，有一個搭車者，走進一家商店，看見Lift標簽，想搶一個千斤頂，但千斤頂太重，所以沒搶；看見Pet Supplies標簽，搶了一些寵物用品，不過寵物用品并不值幾個錢，所以罪行并不嚴重；但當他走出商店時，看見Compact Cars標簽，他又搶了一輛小轎車，所以最后他被警察逮住，坐牢十年。
C:這段話其實是一個笑話，其中的Lift、Pet和Compact，并不是名詞或形容詞，而是動詞，意思分別是：舉起、撫摸和壓扁，因此這段話的真正意思是：我曾聽說過一個倒霉的故事，有一個搭車者，走進一家商店，看見一個標簽上寫著“舉起來”，可是那個東西太重了；看見一個標簽上寫著“拍拍商品”，于是就拍了拍，這也沒什么；但當他走出商店時，又看見一個標簽，上面寫著“砸汽車”，結果被判坐牢十年
婚姻就是这么一回事：不退钱，不包换，不保修
Another 30-40 years to live.
Respectfully Cheating
杰克和贝蒂在庆祝他们的结婚50周年纪念日。
贝蒂，我想知道你是否欺骗过我。
杰克，为什么问这个问题呢？你不应该这么问。
但是，我真的很想知道。
好吧，有的，3次。
3次，都是什么时候呢？
好吧，还记得35年前你打算开始你自己的生意的时候，没有银行愿意给你贷款吗？还记得有一天银行总经理亲自上门，没有问询什么就签订贷款协议吗？
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
“Betty, I was wondering — have you ever cheated on me?”
“Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…”
“Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.”
“Well, all right. Yes, 3 times.”
“Three? When were they?”
“Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”
“Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?”
“Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?”
“I can’t believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn’t be more moved. When was number 3?”
“Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?”
Children’s Minds
Better to be safe than…punch a 5th grader.
Never underestimate the power of…termites.
You can lead a horse to water but…how?
Don’t bite the hand that…looks dirty.
No news is… impossible.
A miss is as good as a… Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog new… math.
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll… stink in the morning.
Love all, trust… me.
The pen is mightier than the… pigs.
An idle mind is… the best way to relax.
Where there’s smoke there’s… pollution.
A penny saved is… not much.
Don’t put off till tomorrow what…you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and… you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as… Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not… spanked or grounded.
If at first you don’t succeed… get new batteries.
You get out of something what you… see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind… get out of the way.
The Blind and the Blond
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, “Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?”
The man says back to the blind man, “Look buddy, I’m blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?”
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, “Nah, I wouldn’t want to have to explain it five times.”
An Absent-Minded Professor
A notoriously absent-minded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter, the other on the pavement. A pupil meeting him said: “Good evening, professor. How are you?” “Well,” answered the professor, “I thought I was all right when I left home, but now I don’t know what’s the matter with me. I’ve been limping for the last half-hour.”
| 心不在焉的老師 有一天，人們看見一個有名的心不在焉的老師在路上走，他的一只腳一直踏在街溝里，另一只腳踩在人行道上。 |
Difference Between Women And Men
1. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
中英文对出天下第一联
日前在长沙结束的全国首届”楹联文化与楹联学科建设”学术研讨会展出了一幅特殊对联，上联是英文而下联是中文。
这幅对联上联是英文：”To China for china, China with china, dinner on china”(专家翻译成中文为：去中国买瓷器，中国有瓷器，吃饭靠瓷器)，下联是中文：”到前门买前门，前门没前门，后门有前门”（第一个”前门”意思是前面的门，后一个”前门”意思是前门牌香烟）。
中南大学教授、湖南省楹联协会会长余德泉说：这幅对联虽然语言不同，但对仗工整，饶有风趣。这副对联最早被中国楹联协会常务理事陈锡波发现并整理加工。与会的海内外学者认为，这是楹联学术界承认所发现的世界上第一例中英文对联。